The Journey to Discovering Myself
I would like to share a journey I have been on the last couple months..
I am going through a divorce. I was not the person who I thought I was or pretended I was. I've had a major wake up call to the point where I now know I am simultaneously going through an identity crisis and midlife crisis.
I take pride in taking care of myself. I do it through nutrition and lifestyle. I also have several auto immune diseases, one of them is type 1 diabetes. It's a part of me and another part of me that I have to take care of in this life. Another one is Lupus, one that I deep down knew I had but did not want to admit to myself or anyone else I had it, I was trying to hide it.
For months, I could feel the Lupus flare up building up in my body. My blood sugars started hanging out in the 400's, I was getting icy hot and numbness in my fingers, small acute headaches, my energy was almost nonexistent, couldn't get motivated with energy for my workouts, terrible brain fog, and I was battling the butterfly rash on my face. Like I do with a lot of things, I pushed through it, went harder, told myself it wasn't happening and last Friday I had the biggest flare up of my life.
My face was on fire. It was literally on fire and it looked like I had been torched with a flame. Bright red rashes that eventually boiled and blistered on my face. All I wanted to do was hide in my apartment and never come out. I was embarrassed. I didn't want anyone to see me. The thoughts in my head : "How could anyone love you looking like this?" "What did I do to deserve this?" "Why me?" etc... but I couldn't hide.. I still had to take my dog out for a walk. I had to go to the food store. I had to work. I went to a family party. I was supposed to go to my parents for dinner on Saturday (which I lied and said I couldn't make it because of my face). I did my best to hide. I wore a hat. I kept my giant wooden sunglasses on all the time and just kept my head down
On Saturday night, one of my friends, who is a therapist, asked me a question. She said, "Outside of being Laura's husband or dating other women, who are you?". That question made my body feel so heavy. I cried. I don't know who I am and I have been hiding myself for so long because I am afraid of what other people will think about the real me. I am afraid of who I am or who I created. Her asking me that question and helping me identify my identity crisis and midlife crisis was very helpful and gave me a big sigh of relief because I didn't want to go back to the person who I was before.. the person who relies on the matrix, the victim, the womanizer, the alcoholic, and the person who doesn't want to know the real me by jumping from relationship to relationship to fill a void that only I can fill.
So the next couple days some interesting things happened...I admitted to myself that I have Lupus with diabetes. I calmed myself down. My face started to heal but still looked badly burned and started to peel and flake. I left my hat at home once or twice when I left... my wooden sunglasses broke...I had to converse with people up close in the elevator. No matter how much I tried to hide myself from people, the universe was making me show myself to the world. After my sunglasses broke, I understood that I can no longer hide who I really am. I need to take this time to FACE my lies and FACE the truth.
On Sunday, when I was driving to see my family. A song by the Pentatonix. It's called "Love Me When I Don't" (if you don't know the song, check it out) I literally broke down and started crying. My inner child came through and I felt so much warmth. He spoke to me and told me to let him out and we will take care of each other. About 2 hours later my nieces all started playing with me and it was the best I have felt in months. They didn't care what I looked like they just wanted to play with someone who loves them. They hugged me and kissed me like they always do. They were happy I was there and sad to see me go.
About a week later, today, I am excited to get to know the real me. I am ready to not hide who I am anymore. I am ready to take the steps to not live in fear. I am ready to start to become the person I will become through speaking and living my truth. I am excited to build a relationship with myself. I am ready to begin to love myself and forgive myself. I am going to live my life through Love, try my best to come from a place of Love, and I am ready to lead with Love.